October 25, 2020

A few simple tips on co-parenting

IMPORTANT NOTE BEFORE YOU READ THIS

If you are fearful for your safety or the safety of your children the principles below do not necessarily apply. You can-not negotiate with a violent person. Your first priority must be your safety and the safety of your children. Seek legal advice, contact child protection authorities, consult with the Police regarding a DVO and speak with counsellors acquainted with domestic violence or child abuse matters. This is where litigation through the Federal Circuit Court is likely unavoidable. Ensure you obtain legal advice from a lawyer well acquainted with family violence and child protection matters.

Make a time to meet with a divorce coach such as myself to discuss any safety concerns you may have.

Co-parenting

Co-parenting after separation/divorce can be extremely challenging. The person you anticipated spending the rest of your life with is no longer your partner. If that is not hard enough to get your head around, having that person in your life on an ongoing basis while having to communicate and negotiate and with them can sometimes seem impossible.

Co-parenting can trigger many emotional responses some not always productive. Most parents who have co-parented for some time come to terms with this and are able to conduct themselves in a relatively business-like manner but it can take time to get there.

If you are new to co-parenting and you are finding it challenging, do not be too hard on yourself but rather be aware that co-parenting is a somewhat new phenomenon that has come with the significant increase in the number of relationship separations with children. You may find that your relationship with your ex fluctuates and changes on a weekly basis especially at the beginning. You may also notice that you oscillate in your communication with your ex, from being mature and child focused to being totally triggered and responding like your 4-year-old self!

All families are unique and operate under different dynamics, and manage the task of co-parenting in their own way. Regardless of your family situation and parenting style before the divorce, effective co-parenting can be difficult. We can easily be triggered by the circumstance’s that led to the separation. Also, the issues we dealt with during the relationship may be compounded post separation. The rate and pace in which either you or your co-parent re-partners for example, may have a significant impact as will the age and developmental needs of your children.

It is important to remember that children fair best post separation when they free to maintain their relationship with both parents. In particular when they can move between their parent’s homes without angst or conflict. In this instance, children have a far greater chance of being well grounded and socially adjusted adults and isn’t that what we all want for our children?

Conversely, children whose parents are in regular conflict tend to have greater emotional problems and experience anxiety in their childhoods and as adults. These children can be hypervigilant, hyper-aroused, have poor impulse regulation that is triggered by a fear of being abandoned by a parent. They may also feel responsible for their parent’s conflict. Save your children the angst and address your own behaviour in the co-parenting relationship. Usually, and I emphasis usually, as by no means does this always apply, when you communicate respectfully and listen and acknowledge your ex-partner the co-parenting relationship will improve.

I cannot encourage parent’s enough to obtain independent counselling to assist to address the grief and loss we all experience when a relationship ends. Counselling can assist us in being mindful of our emotional health, our role in the co-parenting mis-understandings, coping with the escalating conflict, what we can and cannot change, what are realistic expectations and importantly, counselling offers a place to vent and feel supported in a non-judgmental environment.

Focus on your children’s needs

You may or may not like your ex-partner post-separation, despite this, remember being an affective co-parent is an investment into your children’s emotional health. Communicating with your ex-partner may be harder than you imagined. To maintain composure and focus on your children’s needs will require maturity and insight. It is important to remember that you are only able to control your own behaviour while your ex-partner’s behaviour is beyond your control.

Parenting will likely be one of the most rewarding and challenging experiences of your life. Parenting post-separation will offer you another unique number of challenges. You will frequently hear the term “child focused” especially if you are in the process of developing a parenting plan or find yourself in Court.

Being child focused means putting yourself in the place of your children and getting a sense of how it feels to be that small baby, the chatty person 5 year old or that tall withdrawn, awkward adolescent. It is about sitting in their shoes without judgment and being present and available to them and putting their needs before your own. Sound’s all good but let’s face it, when going through a relationship/marriage break up with all its emotional and practical challenges being child focused with a tantrumming 2-year old can feel somewhat impossible. Once again do not be too hard on yourself. Being mindful of being child focused is the first step.

As a parent it is important that you are able to understand your children’s experiences and concerns and not take them personally. As co-parents it is ideal if you can can agree on how to support your children through the many challenges they will face as they grow.

Of the thousands of children, I have interviewed in my role as a Family Consultant I can safely say that children prefer that their parents stayed together. This seems to be the case irrespective of how unhappy their parents appeared prior separation. This is because children do not like change, they thrive where they are in predicable, stable, routines even if those routines were not necessarily in their best interest.

Children post separation may be preoccupied with a fear of being abandoned by one or both parents or a fear that they will be lost or forgotten in the conflict. Some children fear that their parents will replace them with a new family. They may feel responsible for the separation or invested in trying to fix their parent’s hurts. Their fears will feel real while they may struggle to articulate them. Children often act out their worries by being angry/aggressive or internalise them by becoming withdrawn.

Importantly, in my interviews with children, if their parents can’t be together their next wish is that their parent’s get on. They want their parents to at least be polite and be able to attend important functions together. In short, gaining skills in being an effective co-parent is an investment into your children’s healthy emotional and psychological development. Children thrive where there is minimal conflict, routine and stability all which assists them to feel secure. For example, keep your routines the same as your co-parent wherever possible. This makes transition between the two households easier.

Make the children feel at home – be consistent

If you are co-parenting, it means your children have two homes. Having two places to call home is an adjustment, especially if they are some distance from each other or operate differently. Wherever possible, try to be consistent in regard to your parenting with your ex-partner. Where there are differences in your parenting styles be supportive and understanding towards the other

parent and appreciate the impact on your children. When co-parents are flexible and understanding of each other’s lifestyles everyone benefits – most of all children feel relaxed and at home in their homes with both parents.

Allow children to make changes to your home as it will give them a sense of belonging. For example, decorating their own bedroom will make your home feel safe and welcoming. Children do not want to feel like a visitor in their own home.

Give your children extra attention during changeover time

Handovers and transition time can feel painful for children. Children in the best of circumstances can find change stressful. Everything about their parent’s separation promotes fear and uncertainty. Handovers can be extremely anxiety provoking for children and it is important that you reassure and encourage them to feel safe.

Firstly, children will be more anxious if their parents are in conflict during handover. They are intuitive and hypersensitive and feed off their parent’s anxieties and angst. To the best of your ability shield your children from adult conflict at handovers. Do not discuss adult issues or concerns where the children are present or close by. Handovers is a time for children to transition. The focus should be on your children rather than a venue to discuss Child Support or similar adult or contentious issues. Children fear they may not be returned or something may happen to the other parent in their absence. They may be concerned that they are going to a strange place and with unknown people.

Put yourself in the place of your children and relate to your ex-partner in a manner that would reassure you if you were that child. Even when you feel that your children are managing handovers well, it can be painful for them all over again. To make it easier for your children, always keep handovers in the same routine. So, no surprise shopping stops, or big news during the drive to handover. Use the drive to handover to be present and find out what is happening in your child's life and be mindful of their emotions.

Finally you can't your child to be calm and happily translon at handover if you are acting poorly. Be professional, business like and polite throughout the handover the best way you can. Remember, you are your children’s most influential teachers.

An important side reminder, if you do not feel safe in the presence of your ex-partner, attend handovers with a neutral and supportive person. Do not attend with someone who may further escalate the situation. If there has been violence in your relationship, have handovers at a police station or where there is CCTV or obtain legal advice about having handovers at a Children’s Contact Centre.

Co-parents as team players – develop a plan

Co-parenting takes a lot of effort from both sides. Wherever possible, work as a team and make clear decisions together and separately, for example, how to raise your children now and in the future. Make arrangements together or at least include the other parent in discussion about arrangements that impacts them. Even in the best relationship things can go wrong so learn to be forgiving and keep open minds when it comes to the challenges of bringing up children.

Here are some tips on how to work as a team:

Share responsibilities where you can.
Respect each other and the new life you are both trying to build.
Fit into each other’s calendars where possible. Use apps to assist with maintaining weekly routines etc.
Use apps that can be shared by the parents and the children.
Where possible, always plan ahead for events (e.g. birthdays, sporting events, graduations, Christmas Day, vacations etc) and share special occasions.
If you and the other parent are on good terms, it is always beneficial to attend events such as parent-teacher interviews or school concerts together. This will give your child a sense of unity and family.
Good communication is the key. Maintain clear boundaries as to when and what you are communicating. Always communicate with the other parent via phone, texting, or the app and try to avoid the child being the messenger of important information or changes to schedules.
Be supportive of each other and try to avoid conflict.
Although it is important to maintain a weekly routine wherever possible, it is also important to have a backup plan for when circumstances change.
Keep each other up to date on what is happening in your child’s life. This could be about major or minor things, such as school or sporting achievements, their hobbies, or new friends on the scene.
Don’t hide important information about the child from the other parent.
It is critical that co-parents share information about their child’s health and report any symptoms they may be feeling, or any recent doctor’s visits or medications that are of importance.
As parents you must always communicate non-violently towards each other, particularly in front of your children. Conflicts between parents negatively affect children’s emotional development, social development, and physical development. It also reflects on your relationship with your children.
If you are in a situation where communication with your ex-spouse is difficult then do not be afraid to seek help through government organizations or counselling services. This will not only help you develop effective communication skills, but it will also make other people aware of your current situation.

To wrap things up

Separation and divorce is a major stressor and very unsettling for everyone concerned. Be kind to yourself, to your children and wherever possible to your ex-partner.

The main challenge for co-parents is to deal with their own grief, loss and personal issues in a manner that does not adversely impact children or their relationship with your ex-partner or yourself. Separation can trigger past issues of abandonment or other childhood or trauma that you may not have dealt with. It is easy to respond in a manner that is familiar but maladaptive and not useful for anyone concerned. Separation provides the opportunity to do the “work” and learn to be mindful that you do actually have a choice as to how you communicate and respond to your ex. Once again you are your children’s most influential teachers. Teach them compassion and understanding.

If you have a difficult ex-partner and co-parenting is stressful, then check out my other blog titled “Managing co-parenting with a difficult ex-partner".

Finally, post separation coaching can resource you to manage separation at all levels from a very practical, goal orientated task approach to an emotionally supportive avenue to work towards becoming the best version of yourself, a fully engaged and emphatic parent and a respectful and functioning co-parent.