Co-Parenting During the COVID-19 Pandemic

The COVID-19 pandemic suddenly unleashed itself upon us in March this year and has turned our lives upside down. To contain the spread of COVID-19, the Australian government has enforced social distancing and lockdowns in certain areas, including closures of some schools and childcare centres. These restrictions have affected families on many levels, including emotional, social, and economic. The pandemic has brought with it a sense uncertainty as we scramble to adjust to a new way of living and working in a COVID-19 world.

As we know, co-parenting can be challenging at the best of times. Even under normal circumstances separated parents may disagree on basic issues of child rearing. On top of this, separated parents are facing new challenges in the wake of COVID-19, as some struggle with unemployment or juggling their time between working from home and home schooling, whilst sharing their children between households.

In a world where the COVID-19 pandemic is impacting on where we can go and what we can do, how do parents ensure their co-parenting arrangements will continue to work?  How do parents keep supporting their children during these unprecedented times, while staying safe and healthy?

Here are a few things to think about when co-parenting during COVID-19.

 

Stay safe and healthy

We are all in this together! Making sure social distancing practices are maintained within your family is not easy. Many parents worry their ex-partner may not be adhering to social distancing rules as closely as they do, or lives with an essential service worker or relative who may be more likely to transmit the virus to the children. While these concerns are valid, what your ex-partner does in their household is not under your control. Therefore, it is important to communicate with the other parent about what you will do in your respective households to maintain a hygienic environment and limit exposure to the virus.

Both parents can lead by example, such as showing children how to wash their hands thoroughly and often, using sanitizer when in public places, or wearing masks (if this is mandatory). If both parents can demonstrate these hygienic practices at home and in public places, then the children will be more likely adopt these practices faster.

Educate your children about COVID-19

The COVID-19 pandemic has been in the media constantly for the past several months. Children have been exposed to a lot of information about COVID-19 through their school and network of friends, and social media. With so much information and misinformation out there on the internet, children may feel confused, scared, or simply frustrated as they try to make sense of it all and keep themselves safe.

Regardless of the situation, or how old your children are, keep them informed about COVID-19, but try not to overwhelm them with too much information, particularly negative messages. Talk to your children about what is currently happening and explain why things are now different. Educate your children how to protect themselves from exposure to COIVD-19. Show them how to wash their hands – make it an enjoyable experience by singing their favourite song while doing it! Explain to your children why social distancing is important in clear appropriate language. Demonstrate social distancing by showing them what the ‘2 metre rule’ looks like. Explain why playgrounds are closed and why they cannot play on them, or why they cannot visit their friends for a play date.

Discuss with your co-parent how you can approach educating your children about COVID-19, to make sure that the information coming from each of you is consistent.

 

Comply with court orders and parenting arrangements

Court orders are still in force and are legally binding during COVID-19 restrictions. This means that children in separated families will still need to move between households during lockdown. It is important to note that the Family Court will not accept ‘ad-hoc’ changes to parenting arrangements purely based on COVID-19 restrictions.

Unfortunately, some parents might see the COVID-19 situation as an opportunity to reduce the other parent’s time with the children. The COVID-19 pandemic is NOT a valid reason to take advantage of the other parent or make disruptive changes to parenting arrangements. If one parent breaches the parenting orders without having a reasonable excuse, the other parent can take them to court. The court can make orders, such as make-up time, or give even penalties, depending on how serious the breach is.

During these extraordinary times, the challenges of COVID-19 provide an opportunity for separated parents to come together and focus on what is best for the child.  There are some circumstances during the COVID-19 pandemic however, which may make it necessary to change the parenting plans. For example, in situations such as mandatory isolation or quarantine, travel restrictions, school closures, or if one parent must work from home. If such changes are required, then parents need to discuss the alternate practical solutions while maintaining the health and safety of the children and everyone else involved. It is a time to ‘get creative’!

If you cannot agree upon a solution, then you may need to attend Family Court. Either way, it is always a good idea to keep a record of any changes to your parenting plan. You can document these in an email, text, or letter outlining the agreed changes.

In situations where an Apprehended Domestic Violence Order (ADVO) or an Apprehended Violence Order (AVO) is in place with your ex-partner, you may need to get legal advice to ensure how to maintain the orders without comprising your safety. If you are concerned for safety, you need to choose safe options. For example, you could have the Children’s Contact Service (CCS) or a neutral person assist by being a go-between to receive and pass on communications, or ask the Children’s Contact Service (CSS) to supervise a video chat session.

Be flexible and understanding

It is understandable that some disagreements between co-parents can arise because of COVID-19 restrictions. This means that being flexible and understanding with the other parent during these difficult times is more important than ever. Maintain your focus on caring for the children and find a compromise in their best interests.  Here are a few tips on how to achieve this:

• Understand that these times are difficult for both of you and approach challenges with open-mindedness.
• Be mutual about how you will both raise the children and how your respective households will accommodate any new environments if necessary.
• Be open to each other’s needs and concerns to reduce conflict.
• Be flexible regarding the allocated time spent with the children.
• If one parent needs to work from home, be flexible around their needs.
• If one parent has missed time with the children due to COVID-19, then consider make up time.
• Work together to find the best solutions for unexpected challenges or situations that occur. Think outside the box!

Travel and drop-off plans

Arrangements for drop-off and pick up may need to change to accommodate the new COVID-19 restrictions, especially if school or child-care centres have closed, or if your children’s sporting and other activities are cancelled. Adapt if changeover normally happens after school or at sporting events. Work out another neutral and public location that could be suitable, where social distancing practices can still be maintained.  Even if schools and childcare centres have shut down, changeover could still take place outside the front of the school or childcare facility rather than inside the gates, if that is still workable for both parents.

 

Stay connected

It is normal to expect that during periods of COVID-19 restrictions, children may feel disconnected from their other parent, friends, teachers, grandparents and extended family. Think about whether you will be required to work from home and whether that is feasible when the children are in your care if they cannot attend school. If the children won’t be able to see the other parent or other important people, talk to your children and acknowledge their feelings. Discuss ways they can maintain their family and social connections. For example, you could encourage the children to talk with their parent, relatives and friends by phone, Facetime or video chat on a regular time every week. If the other parent has had to spend time in isolation or quarantine, try to work out how they can have ‘makeup time’ with the children after they have come out.

The COVID-19 pandemic has focussed us all in protecting the most vulnerable members of our community from infection, particularly elderly people. Unfortunately, this means that children may not have been able to see their grandparents as often as they normally do, or have had had to stop seeing them altogether to reduce the risk of spreading the virus. Talk to the children and the grandparents about how they can stay connected during this time while avoiding direct physical contact, such as with phone calls, video calls, as well as sending cards and letters. For example, you could arrange a regular videocall with a grandparent to read your child a bedtime story. If restrictions allow, involve the children in care visits to grandparents to deliver food and other items, so they can wave hello from the car at a safe distance.

 

Maintain stability and routines as much as possible

Recent COVID-19 restrictions have shaken our sense ‘normal’ to the core. Routines make children feel safe and can bring a sense of comfort and security during these times of immense change and uncertainty. It is important to create some sense of normality by maintaining stability and routines as much as realistically possible. You can do this by:

• Keeping days structured, with regular mealtimes, and times for schoolwork, play and bedtime.
• Maintain a stable environment for the children, especially if they are anxious about being home-schooled, and missing their friends, sporting and other usual activities.
• Maintain and facilitate communication with the separated parent, especially if your child has spent more time with one parent due to COVID-19 restrictions. Use online tools such as Zoom, FaceTime, and Skype. Or simply make a phone call.

 

Help home-schooling

Many families have had to adjust to home-schooling in an online environment. This can be incredibly challenging, especially for separated families where children are experiencing home-schooling in two separate households. This can create stress and anxiety for some children. You can minimise these stressors by:

• Helping your kids to develop a daily routine to get their school tasks and homework completed, as well as other fun activities.
• Talking to your children about keeping their schoolwork together so they can easily transport it from one home to the other without missing anything vital.
• Ensuring both households have access to school portals and information, as well as any supporting technology or internet access. Talk to the school or teacher if you are unsure about what they need and convey this information to the other parent if communication between you is safe.

Showing children that you and their co-parent are working together in their home-schooling during will be reassuring and stabilising.

 

Develop a COVID-19 contingency plan

No one wants to catch COVID-19 but we should prepare for the possibility that you or a family member are exposed to the virus.  It is a good idea to have a plan, while hoping you will never have to put it in place. This is particularly the case if one parent is more vulnerable, is a high-risk health care or essential worker themselves, or lives with someone who is at higher risk of exposure. Agree on a response plan for immediate action. This plan can include what to do, and who to contact if you or the other parent or household member develops flu-like symptoms, or tests positive for COVID-19. Develop a workable plan for child-care arrangements in the event that you or the other parent needs to self-isolate.  If this situation arises, immediately tell the other parent, and discuss the response plan. It can help to have a plan which you both agree upon in writing.

To wrap things up

This year has been challenging for everyone and there is no sign that COVID-19 will be going away anytime soon. We have all had to make major adjustments to how we work, socialise, and parent our children. As a co-parent it is your main goal to share your love and keep your children safe and healthy during these tough times. It takes both parents to achieve this. Keep working together and don’t let COVID-19 undo all the hard work you put in up to this point.