Impact Of Separation On Child Development: How You Can Support Your Child
Childhood sets the stage for who we become in later life. It’s an exciting time of absorbing, learning and interacting with the world around us. And while a big part of who our children grow up to be is rooted in their genetic makeup, the environment that they grow up in also plays a crucial role.
So, what happens when children are exposed to conflict in these early years? And what is the impact of separation on child development? Let’s dive in.
What Is Child Development?
From the moment babies are born, they start perceiving information all around them. Like a sponge to their surroundings, they’re constantly absorbing ways to communicate and interact with the world. This learning period is what makes up child development.
By definition, child development refers to the changes that take place from birth all the way to adulthood. In other words, an individual’s progression from dependency to a fully independent adult.
Child development is often broken into phases: early childhood (from 0 – 3 years), childhood (4 – 12 years) and adolescence (12 – 18 years). While they’re all important phases, research suggests that the first 5 years of child development are crucial to health and wellbeing in later life (but that’s not to say that if a child gets a rocky start before age 5 they’re doomed - it just helps).
As you are your child’s biggest support, learning how they develop can help you raise happy and healthy adults. But before we look into your role as a parent, let’s dive deeper into what child development is.
What Are The Areas Of Child Development?
To break it down, child development includes skills that relate to physical, social and cognitive behaviours.
Physical Development
This relates to the movement of muscles and body parts, such as reflexes, holding objects and coordination. Children are often assigned physical milestones, which is the expected age that they will be able to complete a certain skill.
For example, how many mums have you heard say that their child is walking early or late for their age? This is in relation to widely accepted developmental milestones. As a parent, it’s an exciting time when your infant first starts tugging, head control, sitting or rolling. And before you know it, they will progress to standing and walking! This is all a part of their physical development.
Social and Emotional Development
This relates to how a child interacts with others and builds relationships. Over time, children learn to express and understand their emotions. And through relationships with others, they also develop empathy and perception of right and wrong. Similarly to physical development, social and emotional development happens in phases - and parents play a major role in the social and emotional intelligence of their children.
Cognitive (thinking) Development
This is how children explore the world, learn new information, think, perceive and solve problems. One of the biggest examples of cognitive development is learning to speak through language. A renowned psychologist, Jean Piaget, breaks down cognitive development into four phases.
- The sensorimotor phase (age 0 – 2 ) involves using their senses to touch, suck, grasp and more
- The pre-operational phase (age 2 – 7) involves the ability to think and use language
- The concrete operational phase (age 7 – 11) is where children begin to apply logic to their thinking
- The formal operation phase (age 12 – 15) is where adolescents begin to think abstractly and hypothetically
But here’s the thing: these components of child development do not exist in isolation. In fact, modern research suggests that cognitive, physical and social and emotional development all influence each other. And of course, a child’s surroundings and experiences help to shape these components.
Given all the important changes that take between birth and adulthood, we can begin to see why child development is so essential. It lays the foundations for their adult life.
And as the parent, you play an important role in this process.
The Role Of Parents In Child Development
One thing’s for sure - every family and parental relationship is wildly different. But across the board, we share something in common: our role as parents in child development.
Modern research is now confirming what many have long believed to be true: What parents do (or don’t do) is pivotal to child development.
According to attachment theory, children start forming attachments to those around them from the moment they’re born. And the way parents honour these attachments can impact a child’s decision making, empathy, morality, sleep, stress, social behaviour, resilience and so much more.
One particular study looked at five-year-olds in England, Estonia and the United States. It found that regardless of socio-economic background, children performed better at school when their early learning experiences involved their parents reading or conversing with them.
Neuroscience research also suggests that rapid changes aren’t just happening in the baby’s brain – the parent-child relationship affects everyone. So, what do we mean by this?
Brain research from Israel has revealed that when a mother or father cares for their baby, their brain circuits also change. As they look after their baby, parents gradually become more sensitive and in tune with understanding their needs. The study compared three central brain networks in the parents and babies – emotional, emotional empathy and cognitive empathy. Astonishingly, where the parents had strong connections in these networks, the children demonstrated better emotional regulation and socialisation years later.
In other words, parent-child brains are more connected than we may have previously thought. And the stronger the connections, the stronger chance they have of performing better in later life.
So, given all this, then what is the impact of separation on child development?
Child Development After Separation
Children that are impacted by separation or divorce are at risk of worse developmental outcomes. But it’s important to note, this doesn’t necessarily mean your child will definitely do worse – they’re just at a higher risk.
Therefore, what you do and don’t do after separation can make a world of difference.
Research says that children form an attachment with both parents from a young age – remember what we said above about the parent-child relationship affecting everyone? Therefore, both parents should focus on preserving their relationship with their children – not just one parent. Your child idolises (and loves) both of you.
But what does this look like?
While many studies explore the long-term developmental benefits of having strong relationships with both parents, recent studies now suggest the importance of having one primary caregiver and household.
One study found that school-aged children with split, shared care arrangements had greater difficulties with attention, concentration and parental conflict. It also contributed to feelings of being “caught in the middle.” Alternatively, children who had one primary carer experienced less parental conflict. This points to the idea that there are advantages of fostering a strong relationship with both parents – but this doesn’t always have to look like shared custody.
But of course, every family is different. And what works for one family may not work for another – and separation coaching services may help you determine the right parenting arrangements for your children.
3 Tips For Child Development
Separation can be a whirlpool of emotions, and it’s easy to get caught up in conflict. It takes perseverance to put your needs aside and focus on the needs of your child – but doing this will help to foster their development. Children perform best when their parents have shared values, structure, predictability and consistency. If you put your emotions and conflict aside – you and your ex-partner can work toward a child-focussed separation. But of course, this is far easier said than done. Be aware of the importance of staying child-focussed and do your best.
As mentioned earlier, many children perform better when they have one primary carer. Secure attachment is when an infant forms a protective and supporting relationship with one caregiver. Research shows that this lowers confusion – and allows them to experience positive, warm and most importantly, predictable care. You see, children are creatures of habit. Having one safe and consistent environment is comforting for them.
Having a primary household does not mean children should forget about the other parent. It’s important that from infancy, children begin to build strong, unfettered relationships with both parents (which involves you sheltering them from your conflict, too).
In fact, studies also show that night time care is not necessary for infants to form strong bonds with parents. Therefore, time spent together during the day is still incredibly valuable for the non-primary carer.
The Final Word
By having a primary household, it’s common for the non-primary parent to feel as if the arrangements are “against them.” This is where being child-focused comes back into the picture. Try to see it from your children’s point of view and understand their need for consistency and safety. But more than that, cherish the time you spend with your children. Focus on them to give them the best start in life.
And remember, there’s no one-size-fits-all approach to fostering child development after separation. But with a little bit of conscious effort and professional guidance, you can work toward giving them the best start in life. And isn’t that what we want?
Need Help To Nurture Child Development After Separation?
I’m Deborah Bruinsma, separation and divorce coach. I can help you manage separation on all levels. From a very practical, goal-orientated approach to offering emotional support as you work towards becoming the best, solo version of yourself. Separation coaching can assist with the grief and loss we all experience as a relationship ends. It’s a safe place to vent and feel supported in a non-judgemental environment. It will also provide you with the tools required to effectively co-parent and reduce the need to go to Court. Get in touch today.