Managing co-parenting where there is conflict
IMPORTANT NOTE BEFORE YOU READ THIS
If you are fearful for your safety or the safety of your children, the principles below do not apply. You cannot negotiate with a violent person. Your first priority must be your safety and the safety of your children. Seek legal advice and speak with Police, obtain a DVO and speak with counsellors acquainted with domestic violence or child abuse matters. This is where litigation through the Federal Circuit Court is likely unavoidable. Ensure you obtain legal advice from a lawyer well acquainted with family violence and child protection matters.
Co-parenting
Co-parenting can be enormously challenging. You and your ex-partner may have very divergent views on what you believe to be in your children’s best interest or you may have vastly different parenting styles. In these instances, co-parenting can be fraught with conflict. Small issues may trigger you in a hundred different ways in any one week, during an already highly emotional time.
Let’s face it, we all want what we feel is the best for our children, however we also need to ensure we are emotionally well, looking after ourselves, respected and not overly compromising to keep the peace.
There is no simple clear-cut formula in regard to co-parenting. You may find at different stages in the separation process and depending on your children’s individual needs, ages and their development that your co-parenting relationship improves and then deteriorates only to improve again.
It is how we resolve our differences with our ex-partners that sends a clear message to our children about the value we place on shielding them from conflict, and modeling mature and sound communication with respect for each other’s differences.
Work together on setting boundaries
It is not uncommon for parents to have different parenting styles. Or you may feel that you are left “doing the hard yards” while your ex-partner is having only “fun times” and seems to be the favoured parent. Ultimately it is beneficial for parents to have weekend and weekday time with the children to have the opportunity to share the load and experience both weekend enjoyable times and the routines and rigours of a school week.
Children do best where the parents have shared values, routine, structure, predictability and consistency across both households. While this is the ideal it is not always achievable. If you and your ex-partner agreed on all these areas you may in actual fact still be together!
My advice is, to anticipate difficulties and be pleasantly surprised when this doesn’t occur. Rather than focus on what you want from your ex-partner, focus on how you will effectively communicate your needs to them. I find the best way parents achieve this is to put themselves in the other parent’s shoes and imagine what feelings are triggering their response, and then respond to that feeling rather than their words or behaviours.
Most of us fear losing our relationships with our children, being undermined by the other parent, controlled or alienated. Often when we are reassured that these events are unlikely, we/they will relax and be able to meet us in the middle. Having said all this, we cannot control another person’s behaviour or response. We can only choose how we act and how we respond when under stress. In short, despite your best intentions you may not obtain the response you want. In this instance clear communication with your ex-parent via email or text, a parenting app or a Communication Book that is solely focused on your children’s issues is the best way forward.
If communication is in person, it is important to calmly discuss the issue. Where an agreement cannot be reached, maintain your own routines, rules and boundaries stick to them wherever practical. Your children will likely tell you that the other parent has different rules which they prefer. In this instance speak in a caring manner to your children and explain why you have the rules you do and that their other parent is able to make their own choices.
There will be times when you and your co-parent have to make joint decisions. For example, on where your children attend school or regarding medical treatments. This will require you both to put your personal differences aside and be child-focused. You are your children’s best teachers. They will feel secure with both yourself and your ex-partner if they can see the two of you working amicably. The actual issues for children (such as which school they attend) usually is far less significant than how they experience the two of you resolving conflict.
When not to compromise however, is when it is clear that to do so will place your children at risk of physical, psychological or emotional harm. In this instant consult with a professional, child protection authorities and obtain legal advice to ensure that your concerns are valid and the appropriate action is taken.
Always refrain from speaking poorly about your co-parent
Separation and divorce is an extremely triggering experience. The person you once loved and turned to as your main support is suddenly the source of all your angst. We all need to vent during this time of extreme stress. This is more so the case where there are considerable differences of opinion between yourself and your ex-partner. While venting can be highly therapeutic, I cannot stress enough how important it is to not do so in front of your children. Furthermore, be mindful to not vent to family and friends in your home, out at social events or over the telephone when your children are in ear shot.
Your children cannot process high levels of negative emotions about their parents. Remember he or she may be your ex-partner, but they remain your children’s parent. When you expose children to disparaging comments about them, they may feel defensive, confused or conflicted because that may not be congruent with their own experience of that person. Furthermore it can make children feel compelled to choose a side which can have a significant adverse impact on their emotional and psychological development. Children do best when they are free to have unfettered relationships with both parents regardless of how their parents experienced their separation, and how they continue to feel about each other. Remember,when you speak about your co-parent make sure you focus on being positive and respectful and hold the same expectations from your children.
You should also refrain from placing blame on your ex in front of your children. While you may not think your comments are negative, children pick up on the negativity of that blame. They develop their own opinions as they grow older, and it’s important to avoid making them feel like they too, have permission to place blame on others. Make it your goal to be viewed as the fair and honest parent. If your children tell you that your co-parent blames you for certain things, it is important to indicate to them that we all have different perceptions, and there may not be a right or wrong, but a matter of degree. This models compassion and understanding. You are then free wherever possible to have a private conversation with your ex, instead.
Communication is key
Co-parenting provides us with an opportunity to improve our communication on a weekly basis. The age-old adage, “communication is key” truly relates well to most situations in life. We survive and thrive off of communication, and it is an important part of everyday life. It is crucial to communicate with those around us on a regular basis and work to find the best possible solutions for what we endure. Communication helps us move forward, helps us to grow, allows us to have perspective, and resolve conflict.
Similarly, communication is going to be the single most important aspect of co-parenting. This doesn’t just apply to the difficult, messy separations. I suggest to communicate or confirm communication in writing, whether that is through email or text message. Even if you and your co-parent have good, open communication and a healthy relationship, this sort of communication documentation helps protect you by establishing an audit trail if one is needed in the future.
Additionally, they can act as a reference for keeping track of important scheduling details, events, or changes to parenting plans. They are constant reminders that can be referenced if a pickup time or soccer game is forgotten. No one enjoys being dictated to, so be aware of how you communicate in emails and texts. Respect for one another is important. If you receive communication that you feel is hurtful or offensive, avoid having an immediate reaction and replying straight away. Pause, breathe, and give yourself time to think about your reply rather than add fuel to an unnecessary fire.
It’s important to keep the email/text communication open. I strongly encourage you to not use it as a means of trapping or ensnaring your co-parent into saying something that you may want to use in Court. Let’s face it, we know our ex-partner well and how to press their buttons. I cannot encourage you enough to not use written communication as a means to start arguments or fights. Whatever intention you put into it is likely what you will get out of it. Focus on your communication serving to help both of you stay on the same page and child-focused.
Be business-like and remain unemotional
Being business like and unemotional especially in the early stages of separation, in particular if you find yourselves in Court is extremely challenging task to say the least!
Be aware when you are triggered. Being triggered can cause us to react in ways that are damaging and not conducive to a healthy future co-parenting relationship. It is helpful to see yourself and your co-parent as a team, rather than a family. While you don’t want to view your children as a business, it can be tremendously helpful to have a business-like demeanour so that your interactions are professional, calm, and productive.
Allowing yourself to become emotional or upset about something in the partnership can escalate conflict, and lead to further future conflict. Take deep breaths if you know a difficult conversation is coming. Focus on what you want to get out of a conversation before you go in and keep your mind on that goal throughout the entire conversation. If the conversation is not going well, let it go and pick and chose when to bring it up again perhaps in another forum. If you come into the situation feeling emotional, ask to have an important conversation at another time.
What if your ex is just plain difficult?
You may have heard the term ‘narcissist’ a lot lately. You may feel this label best describes your co-parent. People who have been labelled/diagnosed as being a narcissist will exhibit traits that include an inflated sense of self-importance, arrogance, lack of empathy, be manipulative, patronizing and demanding. Communication with such a person can be extremely difficult. These people lack insight into their own behaviour and attribute blame/responsibility to others.
They are often people who cannot be reasoned with. In fact, it may seem that they enjoy making your life difficult. Remember, this is beyond your control, which means focus on the things you can control. Be aware of how this person triggers you and avoid taking things personally. Keep communication to a minimum. Put your energy into communicating from a place of caring, concern, or understanding for your child and work to find common ground regarding their needs. Keep things simple and straightforward and never involve your children into any conflict.
If their behaviour becomes too much to allow you to communicate, don’t hesitate to seek professional or legal help where you can.
What if your ex is passive aggressive?
If your ex is passive-aggressive, make your safety and the safety of your children a priority. Comments maybe said to get a rise out of you or offend you. Be aware of this and do not respond. Have another person at handovers, or conduct handovers in a public place where there is CCTV and inform Police and child protection authorities of your concerns.
When a partner is passive-aggressive, keep in mind why these things might be said, and don’t take it to heart if you hear it. Additionally, try your best to not to respond at their level. Just because one of you is passive-aggressive you do not have to be the same. Remember you can choose how you react. Rise above it whenever you can and remain focused on the topic and the outcome you hope to achieve.
Remember you can only take responsibility for your own actions. You might have some idea of what types of things to say in order to trigger a passive-aggressive comment or action. Years of being in the relationship might have given you some insight as to the specific types of things that will lead to a passive-aggressive comment in your ex-partner. Be the grown up and avoid being that person.
If you’re dealing with a passive-aggressive ex-partner, remember that your joint efforts should focus on raising your children with the best environment possible. Redirect conversation and use language that encourages mutual respect and concern for the children. Be the peacekeeper as much as possible so that you can both refocus the communication to your children, their health and wellbeing, and what you need in order to find co-parenting success.
Move on and let go of the past
Letting go of your past relationship is one of the most challenging tasks in separation. No one entered into a relationship/marriage anticipating the pain of its demise. Letting go is a process that will take time. You may need professional help to assist you here. In fact, I strongly suggest everyone separating from a relationship particularly where there are children involved, have professional counselling. Counselling will enable you to process why the relationship ended, each of your roles and responsibilities and different perceptions, the impact on your children, your future goals and aspirations and provide you avenues to selfcare.
The most significant event toward ensuring your own and your children’s health and wellbeing is to find ways to move on from your separation and let go of the past. Try not to dwell on what used to be, and instead focus on the present moment and what is to come. Regardless of what you might want to say about regretting a relationship, the truth is that you have your children as a result of that relationship. Place this positive truth at the forefront of your mind. Use it to help you accept the end of a relationship and move forward. If either or both parents struggle to move on from the past, co-parenting becomes infinitely more difficult. Entering into new relationships can also be extremely challenging to navigate, especially if it is one partner and not both.
Choose to move forward with your own life and enter into a new stage the best way you can. Remember, no one has the capacity to change the past or predict the future. If you are struggling to move on, be mindful that your children will sense it, and this will be reflected in your co-parenting. So it is best to get help.
To wrap things up
Parenting is one of the most amazing and challenging tasks we have in our adult lives. While parenting can be hard, co-parenting can either be harder or easier than when we parented while in the relationship. This is dependent on what occurred in your past relationship. We now have the autonomy to spend time with our children in the way that fits best for us and our children.
I encourage you to focus on being present with your children and spend that time focused on your relationship with them rather than what your ex-partner is doing with them. Remember to focus on what you can change and what you actually have control over. Rather than dwell on the past, put your energies into the present moment. Most importantly, remember that you and your co-parent have a shared love of your children.
Finally ask yourself, “What do I want my children to remember about this time in their lives?
Ask yourself what you would like to model to them. You are your children’s greatest influencers and teachers.
Finally I encourage you to consider post separation coaching for practical, task orientated support at multiple levels.